I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I’ve finally discovered the root of all my problems. I used to believe that I was just truly suicidal, as in I just wanted to get out of this planet and nothing more. But now I know why I feel like that. Because I was wrong. I don’t want to get off this planet. I just want to get out of here. 

My cousins are currently in Florida, on holiday with their family. They live in Puerto Rico. I was supposed to join them but I had to miss out because of my exams. So it drew me to think about their way of life, and how different it was. And it’s brilliant. And amazing. And it’s everything I want my life to be when I grow up. And the reason I’m so sad right now is because I’m stuck here amongst things that make me so mad I cannot describe.

I want to get out of here, and move someplace else. I want a second chance for myself, and a life like theirs. I want my parents to still be lovely together and married and passionate and romantic, not my family where my mum has an affair with a man 23 years older than her and leaves my dad by himself and destroys our family.

I want my sisters to be happy with me and I want to be able to do anything I want with them on the weekends. Go out, fight, play, whatever. Just writing this is making me cry harder. I don’t want my sisters like they are now; where one has run off to my mother’s house and the other is stuck in transition between the two. I want to be able to see them whenever I want and not just when the legal court routine says I can. 

I want to live in a place beautiful enough to write poetry about. Not Wales, where teenagers are defined by pregnancy tests, alcohol addiction, drug abuse and house parties. I want to go somewhere where it’s not weird or unordinary to value reading or writing over sex. A school with nice, accepting people. Not my school where some kids are still childish enough to bully people for their size.

I want to be able to meet boys who are chivalrous and kind, not ones who refuse to sit next to me in class simply because I’m ugly or unpopular. I want an education that doesn’t give you grades based on stupid, irrelevant things. And it’s the fact that I don’t have this and possibly never will that made me suicidal. Nothing more. I just want to walk away from where I am now and never look back because it turned me into a monster. It made me cut and purge and starve and cry and want to die so many times. My name’s Hannah Rhianne Newberry and sometimes I have the nerve to think that I deserve better than this.

Sorry for wasting your time.